Today. Today is the day I will feel no emotions.
That is, of course, a lie. And would be an undesirable state of affairs. However, I would like to feel fewer emotions than I did yesterday, especially since as the day wore on my feelings toward Nekojishi trended towards melancholy.
I have bipolar type II with rapid cycling, which means that my highs and lows aren't as extreme as the poor souls who must deal with type I, but I can experience both my highs and lows of emotion in a relatively short time period, which is very much not fun. Going from the excited (yesterday's blog) to melancholy in the same day is not a road I wish to travel. And so I arrest my emotions to a certain degree, which results in a different sort of melancholy: one that is more conscious and rational than the instinctive sort that I had yesterday. Much easier to control, but still quite unenjoyable. There are still elements of excitement within me that also are bouncing around, but they don't really counteract the melancholy; the emotions are kind of like oil and vinegar. If I could find some mustard to emulsify that shit and restore peace that would be very nice, but this simile is already weird enough. Maybe medication is the mustard? Maybe mix in some honey, garlic, and pepper to add a little flavor?
Hm.
I took a five-factor personality quiz just now, since it was on the frontpage of FiveThirtyEight. I don't like the results I got, and I think they're different from what I had when I took a similar test before. I don't entirely see myself, or perhaps I don't see the person I want to be.
Openness to experience.....92 out of 100
Agreeableness....................83 out of 100
Conscientiousness..............38 out of 100
Negative emotionality........54 out of 100
Extroversion.......................63 out of 100
I'm bothered most by that Conscientiousness score. It comprises three elements: Organization (score of 25), Productiveness (25), and Responsibility (62.5). Now, I can't entirely disagree with those subscores, especially in my current situation, but the use of "conscientiousness" doesn't really jibe with what I think the word means, or at least implies. It makes me feel a little low. Perhaps that's the subscore of 62.5 for Emotional Volatility rearing its head.
But hey, at least I'm agreeable and open to new experiences!
Danielle is spending a rare workday away from home to attend a small work gathering that will be today and tomorrow. Normally I would be elated, since I value solitude and things like being able to talk to myself without creeping her out. I think I'll perk up soon, but right now my rational melancholy just makes me feel a little empty, and my irrational excitement is running around in circles in my brain.
Man, I wish I had more mustard.
I have bipolar type II with rapid cycling, which means that my highs and lows aren't as extreme as the poor souls who must deal with type I, but I can experience both my highs and lows of emotion in a relatively short time period, which is very much not fun. Going from the excited (yesterday's blog) to melancholy in the same day is not a road I wish to travel. And so I arrest my emotions to a certain degree, which results in a different sort of melancholy: one that is more conscious and rational than the instinctive sort that I had yesterday. Much easier to control, but still quite unenjoyable. There are still elements of excitement within me that also are bouncing around, but they don't really counteract the melancholy; the emotions are kind of like oil and vinegar. If I could find some mustard to emulsify that shit and restore peace that would be very nice, but this simile is already weird enough. Maybe medication is the mustard? Maybe mix in some honey, garlic, and pepper to add a little flavor?
Hm.
I took a five-factor personality quiz just now, since it was on the frontpage of FiveThirtyEight. I don't like the results I got, and I think they're different from what I had when I took a similar test before. I don't entirely see myself, or perhaps I don't see the person I want to be.
Openness to experience.....92 out of 100
Agreeableness....................83 out of 100
Conscientiousness..............38 out of 100
Negative emotionality........54 out of 100
Extroversion.......................63 out of 100
I'm bothered most by that Conscientiousness score. It comprises three elements: Organization (score of 25), Productiveness (25), and Responsibility (62.5). Now, I can't entirely disagree with those subscores, especially in my current situation, but the use of "conscientiousness" doesn't really jibe with what I think the word means, or at least implies. It makes me feel a little low. Perhaps that's the subscore of 62.5 for Emotional Volatility rearing its head.
But hey, at least I'm agreeable and open to new experiences!
Danielle is spending a rare workday away from home to attend a small work gathering that will be today and tomorrow. Normally I would be elated, since I value solitude and things like being able to talk to myself without creeping her out. I think I'll perk up soon, but right now my rational melancholy just makes me feel a little empty, and my irrational excitement is running around in circles in my brain.
Man, I wish I had more mustard.
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