Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of Hasta la Byebye. I'm your host Turkman, and with me via satellite uplink is famed writer and comic actor Cantay [LAST NAME OMITTED, BITCH]. Thank you for making a return appearance on the show, Cantay.

My pleasure, Turkman. Hasta la Byebye is definitely among the best stuff on the air, and I'm honored to be here.

Aww shucks, Cantay. I think you're just saying that because you own this television show and are its director and producer.

I won't deny the possibility, but irregardless of all that bias-crap, I still think you are the w00t.

Thank you, Cantay. But we're pressed for time so I will forge on ahead. First, I think what's on everyone's minds right now is the simple question: why the hell have you kept me off the air so long?

Oh, it's a long and complicated answer, Turkman. I should certainly preface by saying it has nothing to do with your showmanship or any such thing, but rather my lack of time. I will now conclude by saying that this lack of time was caused by an acute case of Chronic Asshatitis.

Asshatitis? Perhaps you could explain for the viewers at home?

Yes, of course. Asshatitis is a viral disease especially common to Turks who were born in Ohio, and it is most rampant in the summer months. The glycoproteins on the virus are specifically designed for infiltration into Turkish Awesome Cells. Once infected, these cells, like any other cells infected by a non-latent virus, begin producing more copies of the virus until the cells explode from the volume of virus. This causes the Awesomeness Ratio so common Turks to drop significantly, resulting in profound cases of five of the seven deadly sins.

Which five?

Glad you asked. Sloth, avarice, vanity, envy, and wrath.

Wow. What a surprising list. If our viewers were making bets on which two sins you would not list, I can guess that most did not imagine that the two omitted would be gluttony and lechery.

Yes, those are easily the two coolest sins ever--their coolness is actually part of the reason I did not suffer from them. The rest of the reason comes from the fact that when you suffer from excessive sloth (which I have, I must say), gluttony and lechery are simply too difficult to accomplish. The other four sins were secondary to the sloth, which simply overwhelmed my very being; hell, I'm even wearing a t-shirt with a sloth on it. I think it speaks for itself.

Indeed it does.

But yes, the sloth is easy enough to guess at, as is the vanity. Vanity is one of those sins that I exhibit constantly, but when suffering from Asshatitis, it becomes even worse. Especially when it is accompanied by envy. Blegh. If ever there were a distasteful sin it was envy. The avarice turned me into a slightly more poker-minded fellow and the wrath... well, the wrath was levelled mostly at the littlest of my sisters, who can be a real bitch sometimes with her antics. Of bitchiness.

So we have heard. But, now that you have explained your illness, would you care to share some information with us about past activities?

I would, but I understand that we only have so much time. I have to make a reference to a week ago, however, when I went bike riding with Mr. Eric and Mr. Travis. And that is that flat tires suck. Ass. As does having a pickup truck pull over on the road just ahead of you, revealing multiple smelly teenagers that call you names and are determined to knock you off your bikes with hastily-prepared sticks fraught with nails. I still bear the scares of that day as I struggled to escape their cruel attack.

Now, anyway, on to now. Well, to keep things very very simple, I played tennis with Be (that would be my father) this morning per mutual agreement. Got up at about 8 AM to do this. So as you can imagine, I've been up for a while. The tennis was good though. We'd played a set on Father's Day, which I squeaked out of 7-5, with both of us playing poorly. Today, however, I had very good control of my groundstrokes, and so I was able to jump out to a quick 3-0 lead. I'm not sure how, but Be was able to break back against my serve and win two service games to even it up at 3-3. And then, since I was still clicking, I put him away with three more games to end the set at 6-3. I would very much have liked to continue to play, but unfortunately old Be just can't handle too much action. I tell you he needs to do this sort of thing more often.

And then after that I returned home to write six separate discourses on the reasoning that masochists use to have sex with pencil sharpeners.

And that was it?

That was it.

Well, that's quite wonderful. I really hope you find something to do, though, so you can report on it for the next edition of Hasta la Byebye. And now we are out of time folks! Special thanks to Kivae and Danielle for being insistent little wenches! Remember to floss using pasteurized horse hair and don't forget your tin-foil hats! Hasta la byebye, little goats and goatesses!